If only

Maybe I should stop watching shows like A Baby Story and One Born Every Minute... I always end up crying, then thinking, often followed by more crying, sometimes followed by blogging. When my alarm goes off at 5:45 in the morning after I've stayed up until midnight watching this type of show, I often think, "You've gotta be kidding me." I don't do mornings well.

Tonight after watching One Born Every Minute, coupled with recent stressing about the future of our second adoption, I started thinking "If only."

If only I could get pregnant, give birth, I wouldn't need to adopt to become a mother.

I wouldn't have had to go through years of invasive ultrasounds, testing, pills and surgeries and pay handsomely for them, all for...nothing. I'd be one of those women who says to her husband one morning, "Darling, let's have a baby!" and is pregnant the next morning. One of those women who forgets their birth control once and gets pregnant.

I wouldn't need to invite a stranger into my home to judge me, my husband, my ability to house, clothe and feed a child properly, then pay that person thousands of dollars to put it down on paper.

I wouldn't need to travel across the world to bring home a baby.

I wouldn't have people asking me "Is she yours?"

Then again, if only I had given birth:


I wouldn't have this:


(Setting out cookies for Santa. Is she adorable, or what?)

Hello!

The "if only's" seem so insignificant when I think of it that way.

I wouldn't have the connection I now have with Taiwan, a place that has truly touched my heart.

I wouldn't have met all of the friends I've made through adoption.

I wouldn't have this incredible child, who is the light of my life. (Not that our biological child wouldn't have been great, but...you know, it's just different.)

I wouldn't be able to share our story with others who might have had a negative view of adoption, were ignorant about adoption, or who wanted to share their story with me! Just tonight a man appoached us at a restaurant and told us that his grandchildren are adopted from Africa. He brought them over to meet us and we chatted for a few minutes. I told him about our second adoption and he wished us luck.

This doesn't mean I don't stress and worry, and do a lot of daydreaming, about whether our dream of adopting a son will come true. I thought about him a lot over the Christmas weekend.

Will he look like a "Henry?" (our chosen name) Or will we pick another name once we see him?

Will he be darker skinned and lean like Lilli, or will he be a chubby Chinese baby will round cheeks and chunky legs? (I think Lilli had one fat roll, on each thigh, for about 2 weeks.)

Will he be here next year?

Will we have a referral next year?

Will Taiwan have shut down international adoptions by next Christmas?

One thing that I try to keep in mind is that I don't want to be obsessing about something that may never happen, and end up neglecting Lilli in the process. I've already started working more than I ever have since Lilli came home, and I want our time together to be special, not filled with my worry and anxiety. I also don't want those to be the traits she associates with me when she grows up.

I write all this down and feel like I'm doing pretty well! Positive attitude, looking forward to the future, spending more time in prayer and trusting in His plans more than my own.

Then I remember we've only been waiting 6 weeks.

We have friends who have been waiting for a year with no word. For a boy. From the same orphanage.

I've gotta give credit to those ladies. You are strong! Stronger than I am. (If we end up waiting that long) I hope I can be as strong as you. You are an inspiration.

OK, enough of that. I'll be posting some Christmas pictures soon. I'm starting to plan our Chinese New Year celebration and Lilli's 4th birthday next!

Blessings,
Chisms