I (try to) choose joy

I'm trying to keep this phrase in my head. It is a quote from a book we're reading in our mom's group at church. It means choosing to focus on the positive, not the negative things in life. Not hard to figure out the meaning, but considerably harder to apply to my life and stick to it.

I've never been a "glass half full" kind of girl. On a bad day, I'd probably say there is no glass! An old joke with Jason is that I'm melancholy and infinitely sad. (From an album title- do you recognize it?)

It's not that I'm not thankful, or that I don't realize how blessed I am. I thank God daily for our home, Jason's job, our family, and 99 times out of 100 I feel blessed when I look at Lilli. The other 1 of 100 times would be when she's throwing a temper tantrum because she doesn't want to wear jeans, or when she smears toothpaste all over her face and hair, etc. Lilli has recently become VERY concerned with what she wears and it was cute the first couple times, but now it's more aggravating when we are trying to get out of the house and she refuses to wear jeans (I HATE jeans, Mommy!) or red, or pants in general, because all she wants to wear these days is "a pretty dress and flip-flops.

Oh, sweet girl. Here's the thing: It's pretty much going to be cold and raining and most likely windy for the next 9 months. Warm clothes are your friend. She also insists that she's sweaty, in just about everything but her underwear.

Getting back to the subject- oh yes, choosing joy!

In all of the personality tests, love language quizzes, etc. I'm the melancholy one: the analytical, overthinking, negative one who has a tendency to hang on to my insecurities, my worries and my fears, and I tend to get overpowered by them.

Some of this, I'm sure, could be attributed to spiritual immaturity. I'll admit that for someone who grew up in the church, I haven't been the...best Christian, I guess. I know my stuff- I went to Bible college for 2 years. Didn't finish, like a lot of things in my life. But knowing things and living them are quite different, especially when it comes to faith. My faith, how much I pray (and the things I pray for), how I act and how I think before I act are things that have improved greatly in the last couple years. But Christianity is not something that I will ever perfect this side of eternity, so while I'm glad for my progress, I realize I have so much room for improvement.

So part of me wants to attribute my difficulty choosing joy to my melancholy nature, and part of me wants to blame it on Satan. Maybe it's a combination of the two. I think about my son (the one I may never get to have) every day, several times. I start to despair. I feel like Lilli needs a sibling, feel like she would be a better, more rounded person for it. I want to experience having a boy. I think Jason would really love to have a son to do those father-son things like Boy Scouts, car stuff, hunting, etc. (He says he can do all of that with Lilli, but...not the same.) I start to feel overwhelmed with sadness and just want to lie down in bed for hours and cry. I don't, but I feel like I could.

I know alot of this boils down to a control issue. I'm trying to be in control of my life, not unlike when I was trying to get pregnant. Of course I'm not in control. Whether you call it God, karma, the universe, luck- you know it's not all up to you. God is either telling me no, or wait. I don't like either of those. Jason doesn't put his foot down much in our relationship, so it's really hard for me to accept when he is so adamantly against something that I want so badly.

So there you have it. Those are some of my weaknesses, in all of their ugliness and shame. I might regret posting this for all of the world to see. Not that the whole world reads this little blog, far from it, but you know what I mean, right? I've gotta own this to overcome it.